Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Top of the Hill



Alas, for at least what I have perceived to be, that place where every thing changes. Where hope has gradually taken up residence and where the scenery, momentum, and attitude are expected to flex effortlessly toward the optimistic and become naturally energetic to the weary soul. That long elusive top of the hill, has finally come upon the horizon.

 I am speaking, of course, to the official clearance and approval for surgery and the phone call securing a date and time for that to occur. I received that momentous phone call today and the date has been set for Friday, Sept. 30th 2016. I was given basic instructions on how to begin preparing for the procedure which includes notifying my anti-coagulation Dr's on forming a game plan to reduce the blood thinning medications that I am currently taking to treat a blood clot in my lower left leg so that I will not be at risk to bleed out during the surgery. 

I have been amazed at the onset of emotional tides that followed that phone call. From excitement to anxiousness, to fear, to nervousness, to doubt, to hope and etc... around and around they went leaving me nauseous, confused and spent. After a while, I began to question.... a lot..., like, is it really here now?, is this really happening?, Has any of this really happened? It seems so much like a dream. Do I really have Cushing's?, How could I have this rare disease?, How did all this happen?, Where did my life go? Where did the old me go and who was that guy really? I don't even know anymore. I see pictures of that guy floating around and he seems so different, was that just a dream? What will life be like after the surgery? How long will it take to feel "normal" again?, Heck, what is normal anyway? My mind just leaped off the deep end to swim in the pool of uncertainty grasping at waves of variables and trying desperately to sew them together. 

I am hopeful that this procedure proves to be the pivot point that my head and heart have been so eager to target. And that, however gradual it may prove to be, that I will just be satisfied with even the slightest perception of positive results. 

I know that this journey is far from over and ironically, as weird as it will sound for me to say it, I sense a strange sort of sadness over the pending loss. It has become such a part of my every day existence. An involuntary schooling in patience, in sympathy and empathy, in ever expanding appreciation of life, love and true liberty, of morality and integrity, of strength and purpose. Cushing's has taken my once harried and hectic life and generously applied the brakes. Slowing me down and forcing me to live more in the moment and to become much more sensitive and aware of the subtle preciousness of life. For all the so called negative experiences that I can easily produce, I am equally aware of a beneficial gift bestowed upon me as a result of being tethered to the tigers tail. I see where the application of this to my story is just another aspect of individuality. Those little details that color our character and cumulatively sets us apart from one another, while supplying the very thread that also links us together in a weird sort of universal dependent unity. 

Yes I am honestly a mixed up bag of emotions, thoughts and feelings but, I have, to one degree or another, been like that since long before Cushing's took it's relentless grip on me, and I believe that I will continue to be until the dissipation of my very last breath. Having Cushing's just amplified those traits within me. For good or bad, I know not, but, I do look anxiously ahead at the top of the hill taking just one miraculous step at a time.

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