Remarkably, it has now been a full six months plus, since the era of post surgery began. A fact that struggles precariously to win any real validity within my heart and mind. Though I happen to recognize, in direct correlation to the advancement of years, a tenancy to fail more often at the construction of accurate time-lines, I seem to be even the more vilified by this treacherous trickery of the mind due to the slew and hue of all that calamity so recently thrown my way. Yet I am, just as every other living creature, inevitably tied to the perpetual consistency of that modern day advent, the Calendar, which so eloquently and effectively keeps my story lines from straying too drastically far.
However, and at any rate, I felt that it was time that I provide some glimpse into the various thrills and chills of experience for which have recently become the way of life just this side of the figurative coup upon Cushing's vicious reign. Apparently, it seems to be, that as with most of life's more dramatizing moments incurring upheaval and restoration, the perceived "good" comes always paired with it's evil twin, "bad" and the restless battle between the two. And my personal experience provides no exception to this universal law of nature. As a result, It has been my daily struggle, to say the least, to overcome the ill perceptions which continually flood my mind and taunt me with extreme altering emotions.
My experience is that of drifting through an endless fog of mental clarity and coherence. It has become a challenge to attain a solitary focal point and to establish any consistent direction or goal orientation. The awareness of the degree and to what volume all the stimuli of life is being absorbed for processing has become much more vivid and overwhelming. I find myself secretly and constantly wishing to be able to turn it off and allow my brain to rest.
Every day presents itself as a totally unconnected scene being haphazardly spliced together to form my very own real-time Fight Club horror film. The effect of which brings about enormous volumes of angst and frustration. Only that in the deeper recesses of my being, I am cognizant of the illusory factor of my experience driving my feelings and emotions which only serves to undermine their validity and further dismantling any stable position of seriousness.
Truthfully, I prolonged my urge to write this post due to this agonizing dark shadowy filter for being concerned with offering up a report that was anything but encouraging and positive in nature. I continually wrestle internally with the thought of anyone who may one day stumble upon this blog out of suffering from the recent diagnosis and or realization of being taken hostage by this sly, sinister, thief of a disease, who, in hopeful desperation, such as I was, and quite honestly still am, seeking to find those virtual pot of gold testimonies that tell the tale of miraculous short term recovery and all things back to normal in only a few short days etc.. Ok, so I might be slightly exaggerating a bit here. I admit, that I knew, and I suspect that most would, that the absolute truth regarding recovery and it's duration, would be a divergent path entangled with intermittent progress and certain regressions and that the individual results would be totally variable for each individual respectively. But, unfortunately that knowledge didn't seem to keep me from setting up an expectation that has thus far, exceed the results of my own reality. Which has, in it's own sense been a source of anxiety and frustration through the process. What has been an unexpected surprise to me during these last few months, has been the degree to which I have realized the extraordinary power and influence that emotions, and it's shadow, feelings play throughout the creation of our own unique time-space experience.
If for nothing else, I must bring forth the aspect that, though I still find many occasions where I become stuck in these rolling bouts of negativity and depression. There is, as I mentioned above, the other side of the 'ole proverbial coin, which is to say that I am in most certainty experiencing a progressive movement toward a healthier state of physical and mental being. One such example, is that, as of this post, which again marks six months since the removal of the tumor in my head, my body has correspondingly shed off a full 52 pounds with very little influence of my own. This single fact alone accounts for an enormous amount of positive energy, encouragement and hope for the future. Physically, I am noticing slow but sure progressions, which are granting me an ever expanding platform of freedom for which I am exceedingly grateful!
Where I am at today, is by far, a leap and a half further from the burning flames of yesterday and though there is still the lingering smell of smoke and the static memory of attrition, I remain focused on the light ahead and just keep pressing on. All my efforts are devoted to finding that perfect balance between where I am at, where I have been and to where I am going armed with the knowledge that there is no place more beautiful than in this very moment. That there is a futility in striving to be anywhere other than definitively within the miracle of this present moment with its infinite array of extraordinarily precious gifts that make up the whole of my experience. There are times where I catch myself reeling with the victim oriented thought of "why me?", but have been met with the resounding conclusion of "why NOT me?!"
Why is it so hard to accept, sometimes, a story inclusive of trauma and strife, such that we all have in our own various ways, as a spectacular event of creative individuality, custom made for our carefully selected and star-cast performance to add that tantalizing flavor and spice to an otherwise dreadfully dull empty existence? There is in my humblest opinion a universal connection to all things and that for this very reason makes all things enormously meaningful and full of purpose as it relates to all other creatures big and small spewing forth from a point of unfathomable love and spectacular creativity! These are the thoughts that tend to offer peace to my ever so troubled soul and to settle the ongoing storm within my brain.