Tuesday, August 30, 2016
It's truly been a weird couple of weeks these last weeks. So much happening, so much change, so much news, activity, emotion, etc... One thing I have certainly noticed regarding the ever accumulating list of symptoms and the progressions of each, is the latest onset of mindlessness. I have noticed a somewhat aggressive deterioration of my ability to put thoughts together and to hold on to them for any short period of time. I am constantly finding myself starting off to go do - something? - only to get a few steps into it and wonder "where was I going, what was I doing, what did or do I need. Or hanging up the phone and wondering what all the details were of that conversation - very frustrating! Over the years, I have developed what I thought to be a good habit of writing down notes of conversations and to do lists etc.. But recently, I have realized a need for a whole new level of recording these events. I had read a few stories online from other Cushies struggling with similar experience, but as it is with many of these, I did not, could not appreciate the true implications to which this particular symptom interferes with even the most fundamental or basic functions of day to day living.
One aspect of this symptom I did not consider is the fact that It has become even more obvious the degree to which people use the measure of your attentiveness as a guide to how serious and or sincere another person is. If it appears that you are not adept at making things important enough to remember or recall, then sharing important information becomes a futile exercise, not worth the effort. Therefore, you gradually find yourself in less and less meaningful exchanges with the people which is yet another log on the fire toward that isolated, lonely, place where depression often resides.
The aspect most disturbing for me, is the weakening faith in myself. As I notice more and more items being left undone or done incorrectly, I begin to question my abilities to take care of myself properly or others who might be counting on me. One example, which just happened the other day, is that I noticed, while refilling my pill box, that I had a day bin that was still full of pills, which should not be the case if I had taken my pills as needed. I could not for the life of me figure out what may have caused this and or if I had compensated in some way and just forgot etc.. Just a mysterious unsolvable clue. Another case that just happened, was on a night when I was using the oven to prepare dinner for my girlfriend & I for when she arrived home from her day of work. I finished preparing the meal on time and had removed it from the oven. We enjoyed our meal together and spent quite a long while after just lounging and conversing with each other. Later on when I decided to go clean up the kitchen for the evening I noticed that I had left the oven on the entire time! I never do this, as I have always been a stickler about shutting the oven down at the same time that the item being cooked is taken from it. I can better appreciate all the horror stories I have heard over the years regarding elderly people who have subsequently burned down their homes for exactly the same error. It was a bit of a shock as my mind suggested to me that I had done what I always do and that there must be some other paranormal activity which was responsible for this act of negligence. I was completely befuddled over trying to make reason with the evidence.
Sure, these things can and do happen to many people who do not have Cushings and can be chocked up to just getting older, or having my mind so preoccupied with so many other things at this time or an elevated level of stress etc.. And it could very well be that those things are part of the equation, but I can't help but feel as though, to level and degree that I am experiencing these things, that the disease itself is a major contributor.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
One thing I have become increasingly aware of with this disease, is the change in my overall personality. Where I once was more fluid, outgoing, engaging, open, motivated, inspired etc., I have slowly but surely been retracting into the shadows and preference a more reclusive existence. I feel somewhat cut-off from the busy, bustle world. I have become consumed, for the most part, with all things Cushing's. And the physical pains and appearances that are all typical signs and symptoms of this condition serve as a constant echo of self pity, frustration, anger, disappointment, anxiety, fear etc.. generating a virtual one-way ticket to the dry lonely fields of depression and despair. I find my heart churning in the various tides of emotions knowing that each are nothing more than temporary feelings induced by overcharged and unregulated hormonal imbalance, but yet desperately caught in the ever swirling exchanges of surging energy. There seems to be no set pattern to the cycles only a guarantee of their daily presence.
Though it may sound as if I have nothing more than absolute disdain and contempt for the disease and it's effects on my presumed life. I would be completely dishonest if I were to neglect the other side of this amazing experience, which is to speak of the many alterations and provisions that have come as a direct or indirect result of being subject to this story. I have discovered new and ever expanding levels of; patience, of compassion for others caught in the web of illness. To become more acutely aware of the presence, privilege, and miracles of life happening everywhere, all the time. The ease to which we become infatuated with menial activities and pursuits. The divisions, labels and distinctions that act as wedges in our relationships and so much more. I am certainly not without pain and discomfort, which are unpleasant in real-time, but I cannot dismiss or deny the fact that I , when applying the effort to do so, see this experience as a personal, somewhat spiritual endeavor. One that is specific to me and my position as a member of universal existence. This is the roll for which I am created and suited for, beyond my ability to fully appreciate and comprehend.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
I must admit that I struggled with the use of D-Day as the title to this post due to the nature, signifigance and sensativity that are all viable priveledges to that monumentaly historical event. However, outside of the magnitude of the true historical D-day, in comparison with the one I am associating it with, there are many similarities for which I find the term apropriate. A few examples would be; the act of finaly taking control and gaining possesion or a valuable foothold in the battle at hand. The moment where, to the sacrifice of so much there is a turnng point, and subsiquint victory toward the goal.
I am, of course, refering to THE day. That infamous day and moment that one finaly receves the news. After long ardous months perhaps even years of frustrating results and seemngly endless tests, trials, interrogations, accusations, etc... you hear the words that strike a chord in you that begins to resonate and amplify til you are virtualy shaken to the absolute core of your soul. It is quite difficult to truly explain the rush of emotional energy that comes bursting forth at that moment. In addition to this overwhelming event is the peculiar sense of awareness that you are actually relieved and excited to accept this position. I found myself thinking, "how odd that I am so happy to know that I am actually sick!". This moment I am describing to you, this D-Day for me, came just a mere 25 days ago on July 22nd at aprox. 4:30pm. At times it seems like a lifetime ago and then still at others, I feel as though it were literaly just earlier this week. But, regardless of how long ago it actualy was, it is quite evident that progress toward treatment has taken on a whole new focus and momentum for which I am extremely thankful. Rather than the day to day battle, that proverbial swimming up stream, I now feel a slight current to my back which is providing me with a renewed sense of hope and accomplishment. I firmly believe that this energy will help to see me through the remaining chapters of what has become my life story. I can only hope that if anyone should happen to come upon this and are caught in the frustratingly stagnant waters of trying to identify or confirm this murky disease, that they will find strength enough to remain steady and persistant in thier pursuit. Trust and have faith in your intuition and what your body is telling you for it has no reason to deceive you.